Because I'm A Fan

Richard Belzer: The Belz of the bomb

I’ve seen thousands of shows. I’m not bragging about it – I’m merely stating a fact. That way when I make my next statement, you know that I’m basing it on some level of experience and that I’ve witnessed a large enough sample of live entertainment, to offer an opinion.

We live in a world of hyperboles. Our kids are the best ever, this TV show was the greatest, the most amazing player of all time was… I can go on and on. So, I am fairly reluctant to ever use the terms, ‘best’ or ‘worst’, because their effect has been so greatly diminished. However, every now and then something comes across so monumental, that you have to bust out the hyperbole glossary.

Last week, my wife and I saw the worst show ever. In theory it was a comedy show. It was billed that way but by the time we left, we were scratching our heads wondering if we missed some small print at the bottom of our tickets. I’ll spare you the long set up but in a nutshell we were on vacation on Long Beach Island, NJ and as the case when you’re on vacation, you tend to do some impulsive things. The local, quaint little theater on the Island, the Surflight was hosting a night of comedy featuring the legendary, Richard Belzer. The Belz was comedy royalty. He was biting, irreverent, quick, topical and whip smart. In baseball terms, he was the perfect five tool player.

However, the Belzer that took the stage last Monday was none of those things. He was less of a comedian and more like your aging creepy uncle, who you used to laugh at and now you just apologize for. To call his performance a train wreck wouldn’t be doing it justice. This was a train wreck, careening into a fuel truck, plowing into a group of nuns who were feeding baby ducklings and deer. The list of atrocities are too long to list. The bottom line was, he wasn’t funny and people were running for the doors before the show was even finished. Belzer had a 50-something cover band open for him, that hacked and muddled through an assortment of overplayed 70’s songs. The Belz kept them on stage for the entire set in case he felt like bursting out into the occasional Rolling Stones, Dylan or Springsteen riff. Forget about “Start Me Up”, turning them off would have been a much better starting point. Belzer also seemed to be losing his hearing, which made interplay with the audience painful. “What kind of plays do they have at this theater?” Belzer asked. “Grease,” someone shouted back. “Lease?” “No, Grease.” “Fleece?” “GREASE”. The Belz wasn’t trying to be funny – he really couldn’t hear the people. After the third or fourth time he asked the crowd a question you prayed it would be his last. A momentary exchange with a woman in the crowd left Belzer and everyone else feeling uncomfortable. The woman was certain that Belzer had gone to school in Newark with her brother. Belzer told her that he grew up in Connecticut and her brother was psychotic. She then informs Belz that her brother is dead. It was the last thing his limping, lackluster show could handle.

I lived through the 80’s. I know bad like nobody’s business. I sat through some of the most abysmal shows in history. Men Without Hats (complete with the dwarf) at the Ritz, Bananarama (lip synching in their first US performance) getting booed off the stage at Danceteria, Modern English (opening for the Ramones) playing “I Melt With You” twice, in hopes of dodging bottles from angry punk rockers, Soft Cell (and the 40 minute break in the middle of the show while they tried to change the reel to reel tapes on stage). I’ll spare you my late 80’s hair metal pain and we won’t mention the likes of Pretty Boy Floyd, Keel, Femme Fatale, Jetboy, Kane Roberts or anything else MCA Records thought was music at that time. Belzer managed to eclipse these horror shows with all the power of the sun. As an audience member you were filled with equal parts of anger and sadness. It was probably the feeling a sports fan gets when you watch your favorite player continue to play four or five years past the point he should have retired.

For my wife and I, it was not only saying goodbye to $100 that we would never see again (Tickets ranged from $39-$49). It wasn’t that sickness you feel, when you see someone you once admired, decline into a complete disappointment. It was really the anger of lost time. With a small child at home, the time we have for ‘date nights’ is few and far between. We have to pick and choose when we do things and we really look forward to these rare moments we get to spend together without the distractions of everyday life. Richard Belzer at the Surflight Theater was a night we’ll never forget. Unfortunately, it’s for all the wrong reasons. Congrats Richard Belzer, you have erased the 1980’s and now own the title of the worst show we’ve ever seen.

And I Say This Because I’m A Fan.

SANTA VOLDEMORT

Santa Voldemort

Can someone explain to me when Santa Claus became Lord Voldemort; he who shall not be named? Have we completely lost our minds in a blizzard of political correctness? My 5 year old goes to public school and life for her is pretty good. The local high school decided to throw a breakfast for the kids and have Santa there to greet them and take pictures. Cute idea – nice high school kids…you get the picture. However, the school has made them remove any mention of Santa in the flyers so nobody would be offended. So, Santa Claus has now been reduced to, “a visit from you know who”. Forget that the breakfast can’t even be called a holiday breakfast because we can’t offend people who don’t celebrate holidays. I’m already irate at the Jehovah Witnesses for ringing my doorbell eight thousand times, every Saturday morning, at some ungodly hour but now they’re the cause of Santa being removed from the school – forget it.

Teachers are smart people for the most part. They understand how to balance all the holidays for the children. They make dradles for Hanukkah, lights for Kwanza and trees for that other little holiday – that probably can’t be named anymore either. I don’t think the trained chimps running the district need to step in and outlaw Christmas carols in fear of who might be offended. The approved list of ‘winter songs’ handed down from high, reads like something out of a book burning party. The kids can sing “Jingle Bells”, “Let It Snow”, and “Winter Wonderland”. The schools can now pride themselves for having the shortest holiday concert in the history of man. The opening remarks by the principal will take longer than those three songs.

At this point I’m convinced that Voldemort is a Jehovah Witness and he is slowly winning this battle of wills over the holidays. Maybe in the final installment of the Harry Potter films we’ll find that Harry is trying to destroy Voldemort because he just wants to sleep in on a Saturday morning and not be offered another copy of the Watchtower.

And I say this because I’m a fan.

20 Years After The Flood

20 Years After The Flood

Anniversaries are supposed to be a celebration marking an important date. However, there are those other kinds of anniversaries that act more like a painful mile marker rather than a reason to party. Twenty years ago today, the world lost Stevie Ray Vaughan. I still get goosebumps just seeing his name. When news of his death hit, a shockwave of grief rippled around the world, touching anyone who had ever heard him play a single note. In a blinding second, a void was left in music that still hasn’t been filled to this day. I imagine Hendrix fans waited what must have seemed like a lifetime, for someone like Stevie to arrive on the scene. But Vaughan fans have now waited twice as long for someone to fill that sonic crevice and there still appears to be no help on the horizon.

Its folly to think that anyone will ever replace the blistering soul-searing magic that Stevie created. He was the definition of every overused hyperbole…only with him it was never an exaggeration. Stevie could do it all and when he finally embraced his sobriety, he managed to take his greatness to even another level. I think back to seeing the final picture taken of SRV. Stevie, his brother Jimmie, Robert Cray and Eric Clapton standing in front of a blue background, backstage at Alpine Valley. All of them holding their guitars and smiling like a couple of kids having the best day of summer vacation. Thinking about how much fun they would have playing “Sweet Home Chicago”; trading solos like they were boys swapping baseball cards under the hazy August sun. For them it was probably the closest they got to the Great Rock N Roll Swindle. You could almost hear them thinking, “damn, we actually get paid for doing this?”

Stevie’s legacy went beyond his ability and his untimely death. His legend grew exponentially to the popularity of the internet. After his passing, torrent sites sprung up around the globe and Stevie’s awe-inspiring performances were finally available for all of his fans to hear. Guys with nicknames of Dubwise and SRVXFIRE, unleashed recording after recording to a fanbase that always hungered for more. These gentlemen never sold a single show nor did they horde their private collections. Instead they singlehandedly grew Stevie’s reputation as one of the premiere live performers in the world. Websites like SRVrocks.com cropped up and gave fans a place to continue their unbridled worship of a true master. While Stevie wasn’t around to see this immense appreciation for his work, you can’t help but think he would be overwhelmed by the attention. After all, he was just a boy from Texas that wanted to play his guitar.

God Bless Stevie - we miss you…now and forever.

And I say this because I’m A Fan.

Check Please – The Rangers Season is Over

Check Please – The Rangers Season is Over

After yesterday’s dismal loss to the Bruins it’s safe to say that the Rangers season is officially over. For the mathematical pundits and coach John Tortorella, they are still in it but for any fan, it’s painfully obvious that the end is here. While the final autopsy may be three weeks away, its not too early to ask, what’s next.

With ten games left in the season, its time to see what the kids can do. Bench Redden, Rozsival and ‘The Joker’ Jokinen and bring up Sauer, Potter, Sanguinetti, Grachev, Heikkinen, Newbury, Byers and anyone else who might make an impact next year. Let’s see how they fare with more than 8 minutes of ice time and start getting a picture of who fits into the future plans. If nothing else, it will add a spark to a lifeless team and it will send a message to the overpriced veterans that nobody is safe.

The ‘Fire Sather’ chants have become deafening and they’re not about to abate any time soon. But the cries of, ‘Fire Torts’ will start joining them for equal time. This team has clearly quit on him and he has proven unable to manage this group of players. The constant line changes, the double standards over who is held accountable on the ice, the over-use of Lundqvist, the lack of leadership and the head games with the players via the media, has definitely worn out Tortorella’s stay in the Big Apple. Some may say they players are at fault because first they couldn’t play for Tom Renney and now they can’t play for Torts. While this team wasn’t built well, and is in need of massive housecleaning, the fact remains that Torts didn’t get the most out of the talent he had on the ice. This team, even though lacking, is better than their record indicates.

As far as the future, its a cloudy crystal ball. I don’t believe that Messier, Keenan and Graves are the answer. It seems that every day I read another fan looking for some combination of the three to take over as GM and coach. If the idea is to move forward, then you can’t do that trying to recapture the magic of a very special year. Mike Eurzione was a great leader on the 1980 USA Olympic team but nobody thought the US team would win a gold medal if Mike coached them or picked the squad in 2010. It just doesn’t work that way. We may love Messier and Graves (and you would be hard pressed to find two more quality individuals) but it doesn’t mean that they are the best people for the job. If anything, I have a huge fear that Messier wouldn’t want to make wholesale changes based on his history and respect for Glen Sather.

The Chris Drury situation is what it is. The Olympics showed that he’s a solid player when he’s used the right way. Given the right supporting cast, he can be a good defensive center that can work the penalty kill with the best of them. However, that skill set doesn’t match his price tag; and it’s impossible not to expect more from him and be disappointed given what he makes. Personally, I think Drury should lose the ‘C’ and see if the reduced responsibility improves his game. Its hard to use the two week Olympic competition as a microcosm of his career but it seemed that he played better when he wasn’t asked to lead the team. (And if you look back to his days on the Avalanche, he was best when used behind Sakic and Forsberg).

The final thing to remember is that the Rangers may not be good for a few years. Derek Stepan and Chris Kreider electrified crowds during the World Juniors but they’re a few years away from being ready for Prime Time. Add that to the fact that bad contracts have handcuffed the Rangers up against the salary cap and you have a recipe for mediocrity. Thankfully, Jokinen has played badly enough that even the Rangers won’t be tempted to re-sign him and his salary comes off the books at the end of the season. I would say, ‘we’ll get ‘em next year’ but after the last week I can’t quite muster the conviction to make it sound believable.

And I say this because I’m a fan.

Sorry, You Don’t Own This

Sorry You Don’t Own This

First off let me say that we’re drowning in political correctness. We’ve become so over sensitive to every statement made that anyone remotely in the public eye can no longer say anything unless it resembles pablum. Every remark has to be watered down and thought out eight ways to Sunday just so no one is offended. And in those cases where a ‘celebrity’ slips and lets a moment of candor and real feelings slip out, there’s someone with a cell phone camera or blog waiting to capture the moment and raise holy hell about it.

Being a fan means different things to different people. However, a growing misconception is that being a fan means that you have some stake of ownership in a particular celebrity, athlete or musician. These people surrender many things in exchange for their fame and notoriety (rightly and wrongly). However, the last time I checked one thing they didn’t give away was ownership in their life. Unless celebrities start trading shares on the stock market this isn’t about to change any time soon.

Someone like Tiger Woods is an idiot. I don’t believe he’s sorry for what he did. He’s just sorry that he got caught. But he doesn’t owe his fans anything upon his return. He will go out and play golf and he will either do well or do poorly. Ultimately as a fan, you have the choice to either root for him or against him. You can buy his video games or not. You can support whatever sponsors he has left or boycott their products. Those are all within your rights as a fan. Your rights end there. If he does something stupid it’s on his dime not yours. At no point does being a fan mean you’re a shareholder in the company of Tiger or any other celebrity.

Yesterday I wrote about Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater and a very different situation. He made a tweet that a small handful of fans took offense to, about the band playing concerts in Chile after the earthquakes there. At no point do Dream Theater fans own Mike Portnoy or what he says. While he’s an incredibly bright and intelligent person, he’s a drummer in a rock band – not some Head of State. He’s certainly entitled to his opinion and shouldn’t be put in a position where he has to apologize for it.

These people are not role models even though some of us would like for them to be. They aren’t superheros with a giant ‘S’ on their chest. They can be charitable individuals and lead their life in an exemplary way but if we’re looking at them to raise our children then we’re the idiots. Let them be responsible for their own kids and let us take care of our own. I don’t need Tiger to instill values in my children – that’s my job as a parent. This living life under a microscope has to stop. These people are human and as humans they are bound to make mistakes. If those mistakes bother us enough then we will no longer support them and the financial rewards that come with their positions will go away eventually. But we all need to back up and stop trying to hold these people accountable to some unobtainable standard. For the most part they are entertainers. Let them be creative and entertain. Let us be parents and be responsible for how our kids turn out.

Mike Portnoy & Dream Theater Chile Aftershocks

Dream Theater recently played a few shows in post-earthquake ravaged Chile. Noisecreep.com ran a story about some fans being upset with DT drummer, Mike Portnoy’s twitter comments about the earthquake. AOLNews then picked up the story and it spread like wildfire. Below is a brief recap of the tweets in question:

“Just had our fourth aftershock of the day here in Santiago, totally scary stuff … can’t wait to play the show and get the hell outta here!”

“I can’t believe there are Chileans that are bad-mouthing me and calling me a coward because we are not exactly comfortable in their earthquake,” Portnoy later tweeted. “We came to Santiago to play for our great fans here … I’m sorry if the constant aftershocks have us slightly weirded out and uncomfortable.”

“Sorry if my wording came off wrong,” Portnoy wrote. “Obviously we love our fans down here or we wouldn’t be here right now … we’re just not used to this. Let’s all calm down … pray for the earthquakes and aftershocks to stop … and have a great show tomorrow night with our great fans in Chile!”

This might be one of the biggest non-stories around but it has picked up steam so I feel the need to comment on it. First off, he didn’t owe anyone an apology but he was still gracious enough to give one.

I lived in California for two decades and I have a pretty good handle on earthquakes. Unlike many other natural disasters, they strike without warning. Which means, you can be sleeping in your bed one minute and on the floor with a dresser on top of you the next. Also, once a large earthquake hits, it triggers a series of aftershocks. In most cases, the aftershocks are never as big as the first one but the psychological effects are even greater. Bottom line, they are scary, unpredictable beasts that would rattle the nerves of just about anyone. If you grew up in California where earthquakes are part of the culture, you resign yourself to make peace with them. However, a band like Dream Theater comes from Long Island, where the ground hasn’t moved since the Islanders won the Stanley Cup back in the early 80’s. If you’re an east coast person, your anxiety towards earthquakes is about ten times that of a person from California. They are alien things that you don’t know about and don’t want to know about.

Unless you’re some wonderful aid worker, nobody in their right mind wants to stay somewhere where the buildings can start tumbling down around you at a moments notice. So for Mike Portnoy to express a desire to get out of Dodge as soon as possible, is a completely normal and acceptable comment. If anything, Mike and the band should be commended for going to Chile and not canceling the show. The band believed their fans in Chile needed a distraction from what was going on around them. They wanted to help their fan emotionally heal from the trauma by giving them an outlet and a means for a mental escape. Trust me, there would have been a boatload of bands that would have flat out canceled the shows without a second thought. But Dream Theater has always been a fan friendly band and they didn’t see any reason for penalizing their fans who had already been through a great ordeal.

If I had to look at the other side of this – the only part someone can be hurt over is that the band can leave after a few days, while everyone else is stuck there living with this nightmare (with no option of leaving). It’s a point well taken but that really isn’t the band’s fault. They are touring musicians that travel from town to town. At no point in their show contract did it state that they should come to Chile and remain there until everyone’s lives return to some sense of normalcy. It just doesn’t work that way.

Mike Portnoy is a lot of things. However, a coward isn’t one of them. He and his band-mates went into an impossible situation and did their best. They honored their commitment because it was the right thing to do for their fans. Mike is an incredibly sensitive and charitable individual. He’s a good family man with a better sense of values than most of us. He does countless acts of kindness that he never gets credit or press for (nor does he seek it out). In a world of entitled and spoiled rock stars, he’s one of the last of the good guys. He definitely doesn’t deserve any criticism for his comments. If anything, Dream Theater deserves a round of applause for doing the right thing – again…as usual.

And I say this because I’m a fan.

18 Million Reasons Why the NHL Can’t Build on Their Olympic Success

18 Million Reasons Why the NHL Can’t Build on Their Olympic Success

And there was loud rejoicing in the world of hockey. After Sunday’s epic Olympic showdown between Canada and the USA, all seems great in the world of puck. The game enjoyed it’s highest US ratings in 30 years and hockey fans even got to hear puck discussed on sports radio (which is a silly rarity). This of course has gotten everyone in the NHL giddy over how to capitalize on this audience. If they can keep even 10% of the people who watched the game it would mark a major boost to how hockey is viewed as a sport in the United States.

Canada gets it. After all it is their game and if anything the Olympic success should wake Commissioner Gary Bettman up to let Canada have another NHL team or two. Hamilton, Winnipeg and Quebec have all made strong bids to have teams and at this point the league needs to come around and face the reality that hockey doesn’t need to have a glut of teams in the South. Tampa Bay, Atlanta, Nashville, Phoenix, Florida, etc. have all struggled to make a proper go of it. Instead of throwing good money after a bad idea, the NHL needs to go where the money and the demand are… and right now that’s Canada.

But that’s not really the point of this blog. The real issue is, how the NHL will shoot themselves in the foot once again and make a mess of the post-Olympic NHL. Already there’s opinions flying around about how to make the game more like the Olympic product. Read between the line… no fighting. Fighting is an integral and entertaining part of the game and it’s not the reason why people don’t watch the game. If anything, it still remains a major selling point of hockey. Other ideas about changing the best of 7 format so it has more Olympic flavored do or die tension, doing away with the shootout, etc. It seems every talk show you listen to has another half-baked idea on why people watched Olympic hockey but not NHL hockey. The game is fine. There are no wholesale changes needed. At this point reducing the size of the goalie gear and cracking down on head shots are about the only things that could be tinkered with to make the game better and safer. The Olympics are a once every 4 year event that generates deep feelings of nationalism. No matter what you put on the ice – you cannot duplicate that feeling. It’s much the same way with the World Cup. People for decades have been trying to figure out how to build a US soccer audience when the World Cup has such huge numbers. Again, it happens every four years and it’s special. Once you have a long drawn out season – it isn’t special any longer.

However, the biggest obstacle for Bettman right now is the albatross known as DirecTV. Home to 18 Million customers, the satellite channel features the popular NHL Center Ice package (the hockey equivalent to the NFL Sunday Ticket), as well as the NHL Channel. But at the start of this season, DirecTV and the Comcast owned, Versus Channel came to a rights fee war that saw Versus pull it’s channel from the satellite giant. When the NHL lock-out took place a few years bag, Bettman through a series of tactical errors, ended up without a TV home for the NHL. In a short sighted move that the league is still paying for, the NHL inked an exclusive deal with the little known, Versus (and a half-ass deal with NBC). Versus was the home to such great TV franchises as Bass Fishing and Bull Riding, so they welcomed the NHL with open arms. Unfortunately, now Bettman is up to his ass in alligators and he’s too arrogant to admit there’s a problem.

The week after the biggest marquee event in hockey, millions of potential fans and millions of hardcore fans are left out in the dark from some of the biggest games. The Versus DirecTV battle has become the biggest momentum killer in sports history. Versus had the first game back last night with a key match-up between the Red Wings and the Avalanche. Tonight it’s a doubleheader with the Flyers at Tampa and the Devils at the Sharks. Tomorrow, Ovechkin and the Capitals take on Ryan Miller and the Sabres. Thursday, Crosby and the Penguins go up against Gaborik and the Rangers. All of these teams feature major players in the Olympic drama of the last two weeks and millions upon millions of people won’t be able to see them. And let’s not forget the wholesale riot that will ensue when the playoffs get here and games can’t be seen by local fans.

I can sit here all day and give the NHL solid, constructive ideas on how to build its game and how to market its players but until Bettman steps in and settles the Versus DirecTV dispute, all of it will be for naught. The NHL should be on ESPN but since that isn’t going to happen any time soon, then Bettman better get his head out of the sand and get this done. Otherwise, he’ll have nobody but himself to blame but himself, when everyone looks at the NHL six months from now and asks… “wow they had so much going for them – what happened?” Bettman happened.

And I say this because I’m a fan.

Camper Van Beethoven The Last Smart Band

Camper Van Beethoven the Last Smart Band

Camper Van Beethoven are celebrating their 25^th Anniversary. I’m not the biggest CVB fan but a simple fact of life is, that bands don’t get people to see them 25 years after the fact unless they’ve done a few things right along the way. Now, CVB can add one more thing they’ve done right to the list. In a nutshell, the band is selling $100 sponsorships to songs in their setlist during their SXSW shows. The money raised will be used to offset the costs of the band’s travel and show expenses. Frontman, David Lowery has said that the costs for these shows will be in the neighborhood of $3912.

For whatever reason, some music bloggers have taken offense to this plan and have taken some misinformed shots at the band over it. One Rhodes Scholar said the band was asking fans for $7000 to play these shows. (Sorry I won’t even dignify posting that geniuses link here – you’ll have to take my word for it). The band is selling 35 slots at $100 apiece. Unless I missed some new math class – that’s $3500 not $7000. All of this probably underscores a point I’ve long held… giving some people a keyboard is like giving a monkey a handgun. It just isn’t a great idea.

First off, we can spend a few months hammering on SXSW for the way they treat bands. The Austin Music Festival has been getting rich off of bands for 22 years but that flawed system doesn’t look like its about to change any time soon so we’ll save that rant for another day. SXSW charges huge amounts of money for wristbands and badges, yet that revenue never trickles down to the bands. Its the same economic model that led to the Great Depression but people still flock to Austin, so they figure why change a good thing.

Also, now that the festival has grown to an unruly 1800 bands, the ability for a band to play their way to Austin and back is impossible. Back in the day a band could route a tour that would take them through Louisiana or Texas and use the money to offset their SXSW expenses but due to the shear number of acts, this concept has gone the way of the Dodo. (And believe it or not Johnny, there used to be these things called Record Labels that used to give bands money when they went out on the road to offset any shortfall in their tour earnings. However, these labels have also ended up on the endangered species list – so that is no longer an option for a band like CVB).

CVB came up with a great and innovative marketing idea. (Not to mention something that everyone is talking about). They didn’t re-invent the wheel but they came up with a way for companies and fans to support the band on a small and fun level. I read another blog about this, where the writer took umbrage with the fact that this money was being used for live shows instead of recording a new album. (Fan funded recordings have been growing in popularity and seem to be all the rage right now). Look, the budget Lowery quoted for these shows ($3912) is insanely lean and modest. The costs associated with doing a show are nothing short of insane. OK – you think airfare and hotel. Add in the expense of getting everyone to and from the airport from their homes, ground transportation (van rental) in Austin, add the salary for two or three guys that can fill the roles of sound man / tour manager / roadie / drum tech/ monitor guy/ merch guy; add perdiems so the band and crew can eat, add the cartage fees the airline charges to bring cds, guitars, pedals and other gear with the band, add, add, add… you get the picture. Plus, every place within 50 miles of Austin raises their prices when SXSW rolls into town. There are no deals to be had and you’re going to pay full retail for anything you need. Don’t say they can cut costs by staying with friends in Austin. These guys have at least earned a hotel room. The guys in Camper are probably in their mid-40’s. Sleeping on someone’s floor is probably cool when you’re 18 but the mid-life slumber party is really uncalled for after you’ve been playing gigs for 25 years.

I’m not sure when a band was supposed to apologize for making money; or more accurately in this case, not losing tons of money. Obviously, these blogging whiners have never been around Gene Simmons for five minutes. Kiss would have found a way to make a half million dollars off this idea (probably by selling official Kiss used napkins from the Waffle Houses along the way). Sponsorships have been around since dirt. They aren’t anything new. I don’t recall a huge public outcry every time Tony Stewart circled the track with 800 shiny stickers on his NASCAR ride. Folks in Europe seem fairly well adjusted over the advertisements on the soccer jerseys of their favorite team. And while U2 may have taken lots of heat for making a crappy record, nobody raised an eyebrow when they cashed that Blackberry check.

The last thing that bothers me about this CVB blogging fiasco is that David Lowery has been forced to answer these idiots and justify his band’s position. ‘Forced’ is probably the wrong word because Lowery strikes me as the sort of person who doesn’t get forced into doing anything. Maybe he enjoys verbally sparring with this confederacy of dunces and calling them out on their nonsense. But more likely, he just got plain tired of reading the lies and misinformation being spread about something he has devoted a great deal of time and energy towards. Between Cracker, CVB, the record label and his producing work, Lowery doesn’t seem like he has a ton of free time on his hands. Trust me, he probably has better things to be doing with his time, than answering guys who have gotten blind drunk with courage over the anonymity the internet offers. In my book Camper Van Beethoven came up with a great idea in a tough economic climate. One of the first indie rock bands may have proven to everyone else that they still know what they’re doing.

And I say this because I’m a fan.

The Lonely Life of an Archivist

The Lonely Life of an Archivist

I’m an archivist. There I’ve said it. I’ve now taken the first step in the secret 12 step program known as AA – Archivists Anonymous. Of course I call myself an archivist because it has a much nicer ring than Pack Rat or Obsessive Collector. (I guess it’s like a trash picker calling themselves a recycler). On one hand, I’ve gotten slightly better in my advanced age. Now I only ‘archive’ live music and studio outtakes. However, even that got to be too unruly. So, I had to narrow that madness down to only two dozen artists that were ‘essential’ in my book. I’ll spare you the list because what’s essential to me probably isn’t essential to you. What can I say, I’m an insane collector and everyone knows someone like me.

Then there are days when my archivist tendencies get really bad. Those are the days when I sit around creating CD box sets and deluxe editions that don’t exist. And then I use these phantom projects as a reason to start searching for and collecting material for said non-existent collections. Some of my personal fantasy faves were the Springsteen Darkness on the Edge of Town 3CD/1DVD set (disc 1 album remastered in 5.1, 2 cds of sessions and outtakes, complete 1978 Tempe, AZ show on DVD), The Beatles Get Back Sessions, Live Santana Box, Live History of Madison Square Garden, The Best of My Father’s Place (a legendary Long Island club), Peter Tosh (outtakes and live), Journey (unreleased ‘Charge of the Light Brigade’ album and live material from that period), Red Hot Chili Peppers Box, SRV sessions Box, Jimi Hendrix Sessions Box, Rolling Stones Exile Deluxe, Beach Boys Sessions, the list goes on and on.

I can’t explain my early dementia. It’s not like I sit by the phone waiting for Sir Paul to call me up. “’ello mate. I was wondering if you could find me those 96 CDs of Get Back session outtakes? Great! I’ll ring you tomorrow”. I suppose in collecting circles there’s levels of this madness. It’s probably akin to the seven steps of hell. Level 1 is the casual collector. You own all the CDs by a particular band and a friend went to the Village in the 90’s and found two bootleg CDs by the same artist and made copies for you. Level 7 is the completist. You have every CD, every session tape and live show and you spend your time on the internet looking for mythical shows that may or may not have been recorded 25 years ago.

Archivists live in hope that one day someone will be looking for something – and we will have it. There’s a certain thrill in producing the proverbial unicorn. You live for those moments when someone else has given up hope and you can pull it out of your back pocket. I remember years ago being on a soccer field and talking to one of the parents about music. (He had no idea about my ‘hobby’). He told me about his first concert as a kid… Pink Floyd at Roosevelt Stadium, NJ in 1975. His eyes just lit up as he spoke about the show and the magic of seeing his first concert. The next week, I handed him a copy of the show. The look of shock and awe was priceless. It was like putting on a big red suit on Christmas Eve. It wasn’t exactly the call from Sir Paul but on that day it was even better.

And I say this because I’m a fan.

An Appreciation of Cracker

 An Appreciation of Cracker

Longevity. You hear it every night on the Olympic telecasts. “This is his fourth Olympics”. Now competing at that physically high level for 12 years is an amazing feat but it got me thinking about bands. Sometimes being around a long time isn’t a good thing. You lose a step or two in your songwriting. The time between hits gets longer and longer and you try to convince yourself that you’re only 3 minutes away from being relevant again. Just one magic single will put you back on top and life will be good again. Until then, you play the county fair waiting for your triumphant return that never comes.

Then there are the bands that just put their heads down and slug it out. To them its a marathon, not a sprint. They never chased the elusive next hit single but rather put out records that mattered. To them it was quality over quantity. Along the way, radio may have discovered a song or two of theirs, but it never affected who they were. There aren’t a lot of bands that fall into this category. The ones that immediately come to mind are: Black Crowes, Counting Crows, and Cracker. Singer/Songwriters are a different animal that I’ll save for another day. (Steve Earle, John Hiatt and Nanci Griffith will have their due).

Cracker is one of the last great treasures of modern American music. Formed in 1991, from the ashes of Camper Van Beethoven, Cracker combined all the best elements you could ask for in a band. Well-crafted songs, driving guitars mixed with just the right dose of Bakersfield jangle, a great live show and musicians that didn’t take themselves too seriously but stopped far short of the novelty tag.

For 19 years Cracker eclipsed all expectations. David Lowery and Johnny Hickman could crank it up with the best of them or take it down to a stripped down acoustic duo, that could showcase all the beauty of their songs. Cracker has spent their career as a musical high wire act, precariously balancing all of their divergent components. This might best be displayed by 1996’s, ‘Golden Age’, where songs like “Sweet Thistle Pie” can hang comfortably in the same neighborhood as “Big Dipper”. Cracker earned the adjectives “unflinching” and “uncompromising” the hard way. They didn’t know half-way. Rather, Lowery and Hickman chose to open the throttle and let the journey dictate their destination.

But perhaps the most amazing thing about Cracker is that they were able to release one of the best records of their career last year. ‘Sunrise in the Land of Milk and Honey’ is nothing short of an aural masterpiece. The fact that a band could still capture that level of magic from a musical and lyrical standpoint is nothing short of amazing. (Liken it to an athlete that is competing in their fifth Olympics and nailing the perfect performance for the gold medal). Things like this just aren’t done. Cracker has defied the odds and has created something special that will stand the test of time.

It’s hard to encapsulate a 19 year career (if you add in the Camper years the number jumps considerably higher), in a few paragraphs. Cracker may never be in the Hall of Fame or have a Graceland display of platinum records but they are one of the most vital and important bands around today. If you asked any band starting out if they would like a career where they could release nine albums, be on a handful of soundtracks, tour for nearly 20 years and still have the credibility and fire that made them pick up a guitar in the first place; you would see a line forming to the left that would stretch past the state line. Cracker has done it the right way – their way – the only way they know how.

And I say this because I’m a fan.

What Happened To The Women In Rock?

I Woke Up This Morning and They Were All Gone…

When did all the great Women in Rock disappear? I remember growing up and having an amazing selection of female voices to choose from. Heart, Suzi Quatro, The Runaways, Blondie, The Pretenders, Siouxsie & the Banshees. Girls wanted to be them and guys (and girls) wanted to fantasize about them. They were larger than life icons. They had attitude and they knew how to rock.

Now I don’t want to swim in the semantics pool of who was rock, who was alternative, who was punk, who was metal and who was a poser. We could be here for years splitting the proverbial hair extensions on that one. But the more I thought about it – the more it seemed that the next generation of kids are missing some valuable role models. (And by role models – I don’t mean someone to teach your kids how to put electrical tape over their nipples like Wendy O Williams…but rather a powerful voice to represent their teen angst).

The 70’s tried to carry the mantle presented by Janis Joplin and Grace Slick. The Wilson sisters in Heart were the baddest double edged sword because not only could Ann belt it out, but Namcy could shred on the guitar like no other. The decade was well represented by the likes of Suzi Quatro, The Runaways, Blondie, Pat Benatar, Fleetwood Mac and Blue Angel, just to name a few. When Punk found a female voice The Pretenders and The Plasmatics were there to take things to another level.

The 80’s were about as good as it could get for female voices. Bush Tetras, The Waitresses, Concrete Blonde, ‘Til Tuesday, The Bangles, Divinyls, Four Non Blondes, Joan Jett, Lita Ford, Sarah McLachlan, Melissa Etheridge, Tracy Chapman, Tori Amos. Even Doro could throw down with the best of them. The 80’s were the decade of the empowered female voice. Just listen to Concrete Blonde’s, “God Is A Bullet” and you’ll need no further evidence. Anything was possible and the door was kicked wide open. However, as the decade came to an end, it seemed like Lorraine Lewis of Femme Fatale and Vixen helped get the wood for the coffin. The others after them brought the hammer and nails.

The 90’s had some moments but it really marked the beginning of the end. Alanis Morrisette, Fiona Apple, The Gits, Seven Year Bitch, Letters To Cleo, No Doubt, The Muffs and Belly could only do so much. Courtney Love ends up being a polarizing character. You either view her as a pioneer or as opportunistic, substance abusing, blowhard who contributed to the death of one of the great rock icons of a generation)… but it’s hard to deny the importance of Hole’s first album.

By the time we stumbled through the last decade it seemed that the great female voices had evaporated off the face of the earth. Slowly they became pop divas until all that was left was a landscape littered by Britney, Beyonce and Lady GaGa. What the hell happened? And the more important question – who is going to bring them back. I’m sorry but Taylor Swift isn’t about to lead the charge. So, the hopes of the female rock voice now lies with Paramore, Evanescence, Kelly Clarkson and Pink? Forgive me for sounding disappointed but with the exception of Paramore and Evanescence we’re talking artists at the lower end of the Richter Scale (below Pat Benatar and slightly above Scandal). Way off the radar are Lacuna Coil, In This Moment and Arch Enemy. But I can’t even put any of them in the mix because so few people have heard of them. If anything, thinking about this made me miss Shelby Starner all the more. She was a bright young artist who had the goods to be something great and left us far too soon. When she passed in 2003, folks didn’t really get to know her music yet but a void was left nonetheless.

I’m not sure when they will be back but the world needs women who rock. Don’t let them fall way of the Dodo and Dinosaur. Once they’re gone – they can’t be replaced.

And I say this because I’m a fan.

Woe Canada AKA The Olympics So Far

As I watch the Olympics like everyone else, my mind won’t stop working. I mean, now that NBC has 30-something channels that bring you 24 hour coverage and DirecTV has Sportsmix channels so you won’t miss a minute of the Japanese Curling team match, while watching that oh so riveting Biathlon contest, how can you stop? And writing about it only feeds the beast. It’s not like there’s a lack of things to read and watch about the Olympics so why do I feel the need to add to it? But good sense was never one of my strong suits so off I go:

• Blame Canada. The South Park Movie had it right, we need to blame Canada. They may have clean air, a nice national anthem and pretty cities but these Olympics have been a mess. If Canada hoped to end their days as the constant punchline to bad jokes, they did little to help themselves here. Who heard of a country, where hockey rules supreme, that can’t make ice?? Every building has had the worst ice conditions out of any Olympics in recent memory. Not to mention, the death on the luge track and the idiots who didn’t think to pad the steel beams around a track where people would be traveling 95mph. And who can forget those lovely opening ceremonies, as we watched Wayne Gretzky grimace and grit his teeth as they tried to figure out the mechanical errors of the Olympic Torch Cauldron.

• Women’s Hockey. At this point they need to take a page from the kid’s softball rulebook and have a mercy rule. When the Canadian Women’s team pummels someone 18-0, it’s not good TV. Heck, it’s not good sportsmanship or good anything else for that matter. Call the game at 8-0 and re-run Mary Carillo’s piece about the Polar Bears in Canada. Anything but this.

• Men’s Skating. Has anyone ever seen Johnny Weir and Lady GaGa in the same room together? Because after watching last night, I have a new theory about all those rumors. I get he’s good for TV (and he gives the PETA folks something to do) but the whole Liberace on ice skates routine is wearing thin. I endorse everyone embracing their sexuality but at a certain point you have to ask the question, if he is setting the gay rights movement back 20 years by making every bad stereotype larger than life.

• Pairs Skating. (And this is really true for all of the skating events so far…) I get what they do is incredibly difficult but if these are the best skaters in the world, are they all supposed to fall during their routines? I’ve been to Disney on Ice more times than I would like to admit and you would be amazed at the stunts those folks can pull off wearing crazy costumes and cartoon heads. Believe me, Daisy Duck doesn’t fall every night. And I don’t think I can leave Pairs Skating without mentioning our favorite German clowns. Did the teardrop mean he killed someone in clown prison?

• Skiing. Never in my life did I think entire news reports would be devoted to someone’s shin. I have no clue how good Lindsey Vonn is but after hearing about her shin for two weeks she damn well better be the Michael Phelps of the downhill world. I think even Brett Favre is getting jealous over the amount of coverage an athlete is getting over nothing.

• Snowboardcross. Please leave Lindsey Jacobellis alone. This girl has endured more scrutiny and bad media attention than any amateur athlete deserves. She didn’t do steroids, she didn’t beat anyone, she didn’t drive drunk. If you’re a casual fan, like me, you’ve seen her race two times and the results didn’t turn out great for her. That doesn’t mean we should discount all the other races and competitions she performs great in during that four year stretch of time. She was good enough to make the US Olympics Team twice – so she obviously is at the top of her sport. Let her be. Nobody deserves Chris Collingsworth or Bob Costas asking them the same questions over and over again. I don’t need to know how she feels. I know how my wife and I felt just watching her. That’s enough for anyone.

These Olympics have had it all and I’m sure there’s more to come. Heck, even Michael Jackson made an appearance. Someone should really tell him that he’s dead and he doesn’t need to show up on every TV show and work so hard anymore. Between the Grammys and the “We Are The World” video premiere on the Olympics, he’s really been getting around. Let the dead rest too – they’ve earned it.

And I say this because I’m A Fan.

Less Is More

It’s taken me a few days to recover from this week’s latest television opus. I know a million things have been written about the Grammys but I still feel the need to jump on. Have we really gotten to the point where we no longer have the attention span to watch a concert performance? The Grammys used to be about great pairings and special once in a lifetime performances. Now, it’s become nothing short of a bad MTV video, complete with costumes and 80 dancers. With very few exceptions, every number was just an overblown hot mess. It became one long episode of, can you top this? Just give me a memorable performance and call it a day. I don’t need pyrotechnics to hit me over the head and tell me it’s special. Just give me a great singer and let me figure it out on my own.

The other thing that amazed me about the Grammys was how many singers were out of tune. In this world of technology (autotune, etc.) there’s no reason to air a performance that sounds like a train wreck. I’m sure there’s a ton of excuses, bad monitors, loud stage volume, bad mixes, etc. but if you’re out there singing, on the biggest night in music, then put a decent effort out there not to be flat. I’ll refrain from turning into Randy Jackson, “yo, dawg – you were pitchy”, but hell – get it right.

My other head scratching moment was reading everyone’s comments about ‘Lost’ last night. I’ve never watched the show, but it remains on my list of things to see. However, I want to know, why people enjoy watching a show that leaves them so confused to the point where they can’t understand it? If I read one more FB post of “I loved it but I’m so confused” or “I don’t know what’s going on”, I’m going to scream. Or better yet, maybe they all just need to go on a long plane flight together. You know, sometimes good shows go astray and sometimes writers get so full of themselves that they become self-indulgent clowns. Maybe if nobody can follow it – it’s not a stroke of genius. Just a thought.

And I say this Because I’m A Fan.

Kotalik & Higgins Going Going…Gone

TSN is reporting that the Rangers have completed the deal with the Calgary Flames that sends Alex Kotalik and Chris Higgins to the Flames in exchange for Olli Jokinen and Brandon Prust. The sticking point on the deal was supposedly Kotalik’s approval. The ‘complications’ referred to on the Rangers broadcast Sunday night, come from the fact that Kotalik had a limited no-trade clause in his contract, that consists of three teams… and Sather managed to find a dance partner that is on that short list. So, Kotalik was sent home to ponder playing every night in Calgary or sitting in street clothes in NY. However, the latest word yesterday was that the trade was hung up on Calgary’s end. An additional ESPN rumor had the primary players being Kotalik, Gilroy and Callahan but that turned out to be nothing more than a rumor. (Plus there’s no planet where I could see the Rangers doing that deal without facing the unforgiving wrath of the Rangers Nation).

The single craziest part of this trade is finding out that Kotalik was given a no-trade clause. The last time I checked, no-trade clauses (even limited ones) were reserved for elite players. I’m not sure if Sather’s cigar smoke clouded his vision enough for Kotalik ever to pass for Sidney Crosby or Ovechkin but it does make you wonder. I’ve heard of some crazy things before but this one ranks pretty high on the list. It wasn’t bad enough that Kotalik fleeced the Rangers out of $9 million dollars for his $1 million dollar talent but now he’s going to add insult to injury by holding up a trade. If you were Calgary GM Sutter, would you even do this deal, now knowing that the player you’re getting in return doesn’t even want to be there. Hell, if Kotalik played this bad for the Rangers and he wanted to be in NY, what would he do in Calgary??

Olli Jokinen is set to make $5.25 million and then becomes a UFA at the end of the season. Brandon Prust is another UFA that will make $500,000 this season. Kotalik was set to make $3 million a year for the next three years, so the Rangers get out from under a very bad signing. Higgins, another UFA is on the books for $2.25 million this year. The Rangers from a cap perspective, don’t really get any relief this year but it certainly gives them some immediate flexibility for next season.

Jokinen, is getting long in the tooth and his best scoring days are behind him. His numbers this year didn’t meet up to the expectations of his contract (Gee – where have we heard that before, Drury, Redden, Rozsival), so he should be a perfect fit in NY. His 11 G and 24 A for 35 points should offer some options at Center for the Rangers. If he can click with Gaborik (which he failed to do with Iginla) then maybe the Rangers can come out on the right side of this deal. Fans have seen enough of Jokinen from his years with the Islanders and Panthers to know that if they don’t expect too much, then maybe they won’t be let down.

Bradon Prust ended up in Calgary (twice) by way of the Coyotes. He’s a tough winger, that probably plays a little bigger than his 5’11”. He missed some time last season (31 games) due to a broken jaw and a concussion sidelined him for 4 more, but it hasn’t changed his game any. With 98 PIM he’s not afraid to drop the gloves and he’ll fill the role that was supposed to belong to the mistake known as, Donald Brashear. He should liberate Avery to instigate a little more freely, give Gaborik some peace of mind and give the Rangers some insurance for the next Flyers game. He’s a cheaper, younger (25), Colton Orr and he’s exactly what the Rangers need. (Hell they need a lot of things but at least this is one off of their shopping list). I’m a big fan of the way he plays and he’s definitely the big plus in this deal.

This deal could be a case of ‘addition by subtraction’. Clearly, the Rangers needed to get rid of Kotalik and Higgins and with no long term commitments, this could help Sather sweep two of his big mistakes under the carpet. Higgins is a quality player but for whatever reason it just didn’t work for him here in NY. It’s questionable if this deal will really help Calgary but they’re in free-fall right now and they’re definitely not my problem. Here’s hoping the deal gets officially announced today. Look for those immediate markdowns at the team store. Although, I’m not really sure who needs a Kotalik or Higgins jersey in their collection.

A Case For Dan Girardi

A Case For Dan Girardi

In the world of salary caps and numbers, Dan Girardi could find himself on the outside looking in. Whether the Rangers become buyers or sellers (and I’m still pushing for them to be sellers), Girardi remains the most likely Ranger to be moved in a deal. The Rangers will be spitting distance from the cap ceiling next year and their Restricted Free Agents include: Girardi, Staal, Lisin, Christensen, and Zaba. The Unrestricted Free Agents include only Higgins and Prospal. At this point, it’s safe to say that Higgins will be moved at the trade deadline, provided someone has a bag of pucks that they’re willing to part with.

Girardi is a tougher call. If the Rangers are buyers, I can see them packaging Girardi with a contract they’re trying to move in order to unload some dead weight. No GM in their right mind would take Rozsival or Redden unless there was a blue chip defenseman coming back in the deal. Also, if the Rangers insist on being buyers, then it means that Prospal won’t be traded and he’ll be a priority to re-sign next season. That would not bode well for Girardi because both Stall and Prospal would be looking for sizable raises, that would sure to eat up any remaining cap space the Rangers have next season.

If Sather gets struck by a lightning bolt of reason and the Rangers become sellers, then Girardi has a slightly better chance at staying with the team. Prospal and Higgins would both be on the move and if the Rangers got draft picks or prospects in return then, they could conceivably have the cap space to keep both Staal and Girardi. However, Dan still remains one of the few moveable Rangers assets (because let’s face it – folks aren’t lining up for Brashear, Drury, Redden, Kotalik and Rozsival). Also, with Heikkinen, Gilroy, Sanguinetti, Sauer and Potter all having another year of development under their belts, the Rangers feel they have options at the blueline.

Giaradi has been residing on the outskirts of Tortorella’s doghouse since before the season began. Torts called him out in the press, on more than one occasion, during the pre-season and things never really got better. Things heated up last week, when Girardi was lambasted in articles, citing his failure to protect Gaborik at the hands of Carcillo. As the trade deadline looms near, Girardi has also been attached to various rumors including a package of players that would bring the Rangers players like Lecavalier or Pahneuf.

Personally, I like Girardi and I would like to see him remain a Ranger. At this point, I wish the core of Dubinsky, Callahan, Staal, Del Zotto and Girardi would all stay with the team but knowing the way Sather does things, it doesn’t seem likely. If someone out of that group had to go then I would have to pick Girardi. However, most of the problems with his game aren’t really his fault. I’ve always contended that young players need role models. Who the hell has Girardi had to learn from? Wade Redden and Michal Rozsival won’t exactly be confused with Ray Bourque or Brian Leetch any time soon. When it comes to toughness, sticking up for teammates, a booming shot from the point, work ethic / preparation, playing the angles, etc. have Girardi, Staal, Del Zotto and Gilroy really been given the tools they need to develop and succeed? Yes, they have coaches but the Rangers have lacked an on-ice mentor that could really allow these defensemen to realize their potential.

I’ve never been a fan of bringing in washed up players past their prime but the Rangers need to get a veteran defenseman in a big way (Chelios or Souray come to mind). Not so much for their production on the ice but more for their leadership on the bench and to teach these young players how to grow into their positions. Don’t give up on Girardi just yet… just get him some help.